Are You Listening…Like Really?
3 Min Read
I recently experienced a stressful situation where my blood pressure was up, I felt tense, and I needed to process. So I picked up the phone and called one of my contacts. I asked if they had time to talk, and they said they did. Great, I thought, I can get this out and have someone hear me. They might not have been there when it happened, but they could be with me now in this moment.
But the truth was, after I shared my experience and they asked a question or two, I could tell they weren’t really listening. They had zoned out or moved on mentally to whatever was next on their list. It was pretty obvious.
What I wanted most wasn’t empathy, agreement, or solutions—I just wanted them to listen. So when the conversation ended, I actually felt worse. I wasn’t even thinking about the situation anymore; I was thinking about how it felt not to be listened to. I felt hurt.
It’s a small example of how important listening is in all of our relationships. Of course, this wasn’t the first or last time I’ll experience it—and not the last time I’ll probably do it to someone else.
Listening requires constant practice and attention. It’s a skill we need to continually sharpen.
Why is it vital? It builds connection and trust. I also just believe it’s the right thing to do. People deserve it from you.
Zenger Folkman ran a study based on 360° feedback from over 4,200 leaders—the data showed that the behaviors most strongly correlated with trust in leadership were listening skills. Leaders rated as poor listeners were ranked in the 15th percentile for trust, while those who excelled at listening were in the 86th percentile.
So what can you do as a leader, friend, coach, or colleague to build trust through listening instead of eroding it?
Call attention to the drift. The moment you notice yourself drifting away from the conversation—your mind jumping ahead to what you’ll say next, your to-do list, or that next meeting—hit pause. Take a breath. Refocus on what’s being said right now. Use a physical cue if you need to: make eye contact, nod, or repeat a few of their words in your mind. It’s a small shift that brings you back to the moment.
Ask questions. Be a curious listener. Ask open-ended questions that show you’re engaged and want to understand. Avoid providing solutions unless explicitly asked for. Try questions like “What do you mean by that?” or “How did that feel?” Remember, a statement about you or your experience is not a question—it’s a redirection. Stay with their story.
Feel that feeling. Think about how it has felt when someone truly listens to you—when you felt heard, seen, and valued. Hold on to that memory. Let it remind you what a gift it is to offer that same presence to others. Listening is more than a skill; it’s an act of empathy and respect.
As author David Augsburger once said,
“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
That’s the power of listening.
Through years of coaching and leading, I’ve learned that the best conversations aren’t the ones where I say the right thing—they’re the ones where I really listen. The same holds true for leadership. When people feel heard, they don’t just follow you—they trust you.
Did you know? One of reasons I picked a fox as the Bodei FC mascot is that they are excellent listeners. They can hear a mouse or other small rodent from 100 ft away, and they possess low-frequency hearing that allows them to hear prey beneath the surface or even layers of snow.
Steve