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The older I get, the more I’ve learned that my so-called wisdom has its place sometimes—but more often than not, it should stay in the filing cabinet in my brain.

As a point of clarification, I’m not talking about moments when someone comes to you clearly asking for knowledge, resources, or direct help—and you genuinely have something useful to offer.

But boy, is it a fine line.

The truth is, in Western culture we’ve been socialized to be helpers and problem solvers. Everything needs immediate remedy. So why wouldn’t we want to solve someone else’s problem for them? We’ve had lots and lots of practice.

What I learned through my coaching training is that people almost always already have what they need inside of them. That’s where coaching comes in—you help draw it out into the open.

One way to think about it is this: good leaders solve problems. Great leaders develop problem solvers. Instead of giving advice or answers, they help people build the skills and awareness to recognize their own abilities, needs, and next steps.

Sure, if I have more experience and you trust me, and I suggest trying something, you might listen. But it’s also possible you’ve already tried it, know it won’t work for you, or are navigating constraints I don’t fully see.

As Rhik Samadder writes, “Advice is like being handed a large amount of foreign currency. What do you do with it?” (Bungay Stanier, 2016, p. 95).

So, with the holiday season upon us, I want to challenge you to do two things:

Give less advice.

At family gatherings, with friends, or in conversations with your nuclear family—pause before jumping in. It takes effort because we’re wired to start the car in A instead of C. In other words, don’t automatically put the car in Advice and drive off. Pause, and put it in Curiosity instead.

Read The Advice Trap by Michael Bungay Stanier.

It’s a quick, accessible read and does a great job of helping you notice—and avoid—what he calls the Advice Monster. I highly recommend it.

So the next time you feel the advice bubbling up, pause. Ask a question instead. Sit in the silence a little longer than feels comfortable. You might be surprised by what shows up when you give someone the space to think out loud. More often than not, they already know what to do—they just need the room to say it.

And just remember, “The best advice comes from people who don’t give advice” (McConaughey, Bungay Stanier, 2016, p. 151).

Reference

Bungay Stanier, M. (2016). The Advice Trap.

Steve

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