Because You Can’t Control Others
2 Min Read
The truth of the matter is simple: you cannot control anyone else. People have their own free will, and—at least for now—we live in a country that gives most people significant freedom to choose who they are, what they do, and how they do it.
And yet, leadership thinking often pulls us in the opposite direction. We convince ourselves that we can control our employees, our teams, even our loved ones. That with enough experience, skill, authority, or position, we should be able to get people to do what we want.
But reality keeps reminding us otherwise.
People—like life—are great unknowns. Even when you’ve planned carefully, set expectations, and done everything “right,” outcomes still hinge on other people’s choices and reactions. Once the moment arrives, it’s far more of a gamble than most leaders like to admit.
For many leaders, this is a deeply uncomfortable idea. The realization that you are not actually in control—that you can’t make people behave, perform, or change on command—can feel threatening.
So instead, you have to let it be.
You have to let them be.
One way to think about this comes from one of my favorite authors, Garret Kramer. In his book Stillpower, he quotes Wayne Dyer, who wrote:
“Love is the ability and willingness to allow those whom you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.”
Kramer expands on this by noting how often coaches and leaders fall into a “my-way-or-the-highway” mindset—an ego-driven approach that limits growth and stifles free will. When leaders operate this way, clear thinking and mutual respect never fully develop, and long-term success becomes unlikely. Stillpower P.34
The key takeaway is this: empowerment, trust, and respect lead to influence.
And influence—not control—is what allows leaders to share direction, ideas, and wisdom in ways people can actually receive and apply for themselves.
Ironically, many people come to leadership coaching hoping to gain more control. They’re dealing with a difficult employee, a disengaged team, or unmet goals, and they assume that if they could just figure out how to better control others, the problem would be solved.
The real “aha” moment comes when they realize the opposite is true.
The less time leaders spend trying to control people—and the more time they spend accepting and caring for people as they are and as they hope to become—the more likely they are to build genuine connection. And it’s from that connection that trust grows, influence deepens, and meaningful change becomes possible.
Because even when we think we have control, we really don’t. What we do have is the choice to lead with acceptance, respect, and humanity—and that’s where leadership actually begins.
Steve