The Unmet Needs/Expectations Loop
A common experience I talk through with clients is what you could call the Unmet Needs/Expectations Loop.
We all have expectations or needs that go unmet by someone else. A partner, co-worker, teammate, or family member. They don’t show up or provide what we need, especially in the moments when we need it most.
Sometimes that’s on them.
But more often than we’d like to admit, it’s on us.
And that’s a hard realization.
Because either we haven’t clearly communicated what we need, or we haven’t accepted that change isn’t coming and we keep hoping it will anyway.
As I’ve said before, you can’t control other people. You can influence them, but at the end of the day, they are going to do what they are going to do.
Let me give you an example:
You have a supervisor who is great at giving positive feedback. Every time you do something well, they recognize it. They praise you and share it with others.
That’s great.
But what you really want is constructive feedback. You want to know where you can improve, what you could do better, and how you can grow.
Now you find yourself in one of two places:
Scenario 1:
You’ve never actually told them you want that kind of feedback. You assume it’s part of their role, so they should just do it. Meanwhile, you’re frustrated because you provide that kind of feedback to others.
Scenario 2:
You’ve told them. Multiple times. In meetings, over email, in check-ins. You’ve been clear. And still, nothing changes. They avoid it, deflect, or simply don’t do it.
In both cases, your expectation is going unmet.
And you’re stuck in the loop.
It often looks like the image above.
A great social worker I know once described this cycle to me by saying that you continue going back to the refrigerator looking for something you know is not there. And as you can imagine, if you really want a glass of milk and every time you open the refrigerator it’s never there, that is going to get frustrating. In order to break the cycle, you need to understand that sometimes it requires you to go to a different refrigerator where you can get that need met. Maybe you need to go to the one at the store.
So what can you do to break this loop?
Notice
Having the language to name it and recognize what is happening is the first step.
Communicate
Be clear about your needs and expectations. Don’t make assumptions.
Stop going back
This is the hardest one. Sometimes we need to accept that this person is not going to meet this need. It could be a lack of skill, awareness, or willingness. Continuing to go back expecting a different result will only increase frustration.
Have compassion
For yourself and for others. Not getting your needs met is frustrating, especially from people you care about. Work to align your expectations with the reality of the situation.
Sometimes what we really need is perspective.
This isn’t about giving up on people. It’s about understanding the situation more clearly. And sometimes that means recognizing that one person cannot meet every need you have.
That is the beauty of being part of a team or a community. You have others you can lean on when you need to.
So ask yourself, have I clearly communicated my needs? And if I have, what refrigerator do I need to stop going back to, knowing that when I open the door, what I need won’t be there?
Steve