Getting rejected is downright awful. It’s one of the hardest things we can experience. Given our biology as humans, connection and community are key to our survival, and when we get rejected from any community, group, or partnership, it ignites that primal part of us that tells us we are in danger. Because if you are rejected from the tribe, survival is at risk.

Neuroscience shows why it feels so personal—even when it isn’t. Research using fMRI scans has found that experiences of social rejection activate some of the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain, such as the anterior cingulate cortex and insula. In other words, your brain literally lights up the pain centers when you experience rejection.

The current job market reminds me a lot of when I graduated grad school during the recession in 2007–08. The job market was constricted, and there were fewer options than there had been in a long time. I needed a job, and I wasn’t being picky—because when you need a job, you need a job. And when you are applying to a lot of jobs, you experience a lot of rejection. And each one had its own personal sting to it.

Given that we all experience rejection, and there might be more of it going around these days, I was drawn to writing a bit about the topic.

I wouldn’t call it a hot take, but I truly believe that rejection is not for you.

What do I mean?

Rejection nine times out of ten is about them and not about you. But that is not how we are socialized to think about it. We are taught from even a young age that rejection means you did something wrong, you are less than, you didn’t live up to expectations, or you failed in some way that made you undeserving.

But the reality is that if you show up and give your best effort, chances are the reason for rejection has more to do with whatever the other party has going on than what you have to offer. And the hard part is you’re not working with the data that they have—and they often don’t share the true reality behind their “no.” Such as:

There is an internal candidate.
They are looking for someone with a very specific skill they failed to include in the job description.
They think you have too much experience—whatever that means.
The team already has five center midfielders.

You should always ask for feedback and consider what you could have done better. But I hope you take this message as a freeing gift—the gift that allows you to step out of the blame, self-doubt, and self-criticism that often follows rejection.

Because the truth is, rejection is often outside of our control. And over time, I’ve seen how many of the rejections in my life quietly redirected me toward better opportunities. Not immediately. Not obviously. But eventually. What feels like an ending in the moment often turns out to be a turning point.

So the next time you feel the sting of rejection, give yourself the grace of knowing that it’s for them and not for you.

Steve

Forward this to a friend 🙂